Writing and editing samples

Writing and Editing Samples

On this page there are samples of copywriting and editing. For work that includes the layout and graphic elements, please take a look here by clicking this link.

The most recent samples updates are usually here:
http://www.yourmessagedoctor.blogspot.com

Writing is pretty much just words. Most items include something about it and the Before and After.

All these items are used with permission and, for that, I'd like to thank my courageous clients.

A brand new classified ad
The top paragraph is what Peter was using, but the phone wasn’t ringing as much as he thought it should. We talked about taking out the CAPS, phone number placement, and adding value item by item.

The new ad, including the Q and A emails, took less than an hour. I asked him to tell me as soon as the phone rings. I can probably prescribe something for you, too.

Here's his original ad.
_________________________
Computer repair for $90 or LESS?
That’s right. Here at RandomPCRepair.com my goal is to give you an affordable, honest solution to those ridiculously high prices you’ll pay elsewhere. YOU WON’T PAY MORE THAN $90! THAT’S NOT PER HOUR, THAT’S THE TOTAL PRICE YOU PAY FOR LABOR. I WILL take care of you and give you the courteous service you deserve and I guarantee my work. If it has viruses or spyware I WILL remove it and advise you on how to keep it from reoccurring! And my labor is only UP TO $90. If it needs parts it’s UP TO $90 + parts. NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM IS IT WILL NEVER COST YOU MORE THAN $90. Check out my website at RandomPCRepair.com! I also offer FREE PICK-UP SERVICE. NO TRIP CHARGE! Or you can drop it off. I serve Milwaukee, Ozaukee and Sheboygan counties. Call me at (414)208-4150, email me at Peter@RandomPCRepair.com or visit me at my website: RandomPCRepair.com
###
My new prescription.
_________________________
Computer repair, clean and defrag for $90 or less? Free pickup and delivery for Milwaukee, Ozaukee and Sheboygan counties. Call 414-208-4150. A clean, defragged drive almost always runs faster. We include removal of viruses and spyware with hard drive back up and system restore, if necessary. Memory upgrades, system upgrades, hardware replacement, or any other parts are quoted and approved by you before we proceed. A full report of work is included along with my guarantee. If I can’t fix it you don’t pay. Maximum labor cost is only $90 and parts, if needed, are at cost. Call 414-208-4150, email: peter@randompcrepair.com or visit: www. RandomPCRepair.Com

###

The Katie Felten Media Kit

This is not a media kit. However, Katie and I were talking about the idea that she have something at the ready. She's co-teaching a class at Alverno and their media folks got a call from the biz editor at the paper and they needed some words. She did not have time. She called me. We chatted over the phone. I wrote up this little draft. Hopefully, there is sufficient value here to get the project through the turnstile.

People and gadgets. How can they not go together? Ms. Felten signed up as a Linkedin user in mid-2006 and saw a great tool for connecting people. She talked to friends informally, started a networking group that turned into the LLC known as MKELive.com. This is her conversation. She has raised herself to expert level organically; simply by talking about it.
She hosts a monthly Linkedin 101 training for individuals, has recently started corporate training sessions and will be expanding her expertise into other social media tools like Twitter and YouTube.
She speaks at networking groups, Chambers of Commerce and conferences.
How to leverage technology to make better connections? This is the Katie Felten question.

###

Sample Sponsor Endorsements

Roger of VSG wanted a few more testimonials. He said "Pretend you're Klement sausage and you're working with Miller Park." So, I wrote up some samples for him to approve or edit. I guess it's up to him to find who the citations actually belong to. I'll keep you in the loop.

“I wouldn’t have thought it. Sponsoring the AirHogs at QuikTrip Park has been one of the best local partnerships we’ve taken on in a long time. A great value.”

“Sponsoring the AirHogs has enhanced our image in the community. We’re rooting for their team now and I’m glad we got the chance.”

“People do business with people they know. And being a sponsor at QuikTrip Park puts us on the same team. We can feel it. Go AirHogs.”

He had the idea. I shined it up and a couple actual sponsors tweaked it on their own.

###

"We Put Fans in Stands."

Tom Egan of Egan New Media introduced me to Roger of Ventura Sports Group. I really liked writing for Roger. He knew exactly what he wanted to say. When we wrote the testimonials he knew what he wanted to City Developer to say. And that was different from what the Field Manager or the General Contractor would say.

Roger puts the whole project together from the bare ground to the baseball game. And while he is less concerned about fans than the individual teams are, I gave him the idea that what he does could be said like this:
"We put fans in stands."
That quote is all mine and I am pleased to say so. Especially because he's using it now, too.

P.S. While I may have written the testimonials, it is my understanding that the individual persons authorized the use of their names and agreed to the statements.

###

Sample Signature

This was a little freebie for a new guy in the network group. Sometimes it's just a nuance thing. Sometimes it makes the message loud and clear.

Here's the guy's current email signature.
Honest, Very Affordable, Automotive, Computer and Handyman Services….Period.

I would say ...
Automotive, Computer and Handyman Services -
Honest. Affordable. Period.

OR ... I might like to see it like this:
Automotive, Computer and Handyman Services -
Affordable. Honest. Period.

###

Quick Edits

M. K. needs a quick turn around on handwritten, special invitation text that gets and inserted with the printed invitation itself. This was done before I discovered MS Word Track Changes.

Here's the client's original draft.
-----------------
As your home inspector, I always have your best interest in mind when it comes to your biggest asset, your home. I am sending this special invitation to an event that is changing my life positively. 17 months ago I purchased a system told me I could pay my $136K 6.5% 30 year mortgage in 8.5 years without changing my minimum monthly mortgage payment. To this day, this is 100% TRUE.
It would be my greatest honor for you be my guest at this special event presented by the co-founder to see how a 30 year mortgage can be paid in 10 years.
Please RSVP seating limited.
Sincerely,
M. K.

Here are my edits in red below.

It would be my greatest honor for you be my guest at this special event. I had your best interest in mind as your home inspector and now I want to show you how a 30 year mortgage can be paid in 10 years; legally and without changing your minimum monthly payment.
I’m doing it and so can you. You have to see it to believe it.
Please RSVP soon. Seats are filling fast.
Sincerely,
M. K.

###

Testimonial for IDS
Ben Rucka was looking for a testimonial for his IDS website. He gave me the name of the project manager, I called him and we had a great chat. Here's what I wrote up for IDS.

In 2003 Implant Direct LLC determined that they needed door security and Sameer Saggar was put in charge of getting that done.

Mr. Saggar says that Ben Rucka, Instant Data Systems, "was only person I could find that was doing what we needed." "I went on Yahoo.com actually and searched on 'barcode reading', 'door systems', 'door security', first in Los Angeles, then California. Nothing came up. I broadened the search and this Wisconsin firm, IDS, came up. I clicked on it, read about it, did a little bit of homework on it and a saw what they offered."
"Actually, they were the only one that came up at the time.
Their prices were reasonable. The fact that he was willing
to come out here and actually do the working himself was a pretty positive thing for us."

Implant Direct needed five doors originally. While Mr.
Saggar thought that Wisconsin was a long way from
California, IDS had exactly what was needed. "He flew out here and we spent the better part of a week
together." And after the installation was complete.
"The door system worked great." says Saggar.
"I get in here early," Saggar says, "I'd call him he was always available at any time and he was always very helpful."

And because he was supporting and upgrading the software, Ben Rucka kept in touch with Implant Direct after the initial installation. Good service generally gets rewarded. "We decided we needed to add some more doors," Saggar said. "There are local vendors now, but my experiences with him, his familiarity with the system and with what he brings to the table." IDS got the next call. "The first time we did this we had to bring in a computer. Now he just carries a USB key with the upgrades." "Ben's energetic and enthusiastic about what's doing. We couldn't be happier with our door system."

For more info, contact:
Ben Rucka
Instant Data Systems
Toll Free USA 877-395-7415
Phone USA 414-423-0680
Fax USA 414-386-7913
250 N. Sunnyslope Rd. Suite #300
Milwaukee WI. 53005
ids@instantdatasystems.com

###

Need a Ride to Church?
Sample text for proposed new program.
Here's a draft of the possible new offering that was brought up in the last Cares & Concerns meeting.

Need a Ride to Church?
Our Cares and Concerns committee is putting a ride board together. Call the office and put your name on the exploratory list and we will try to match you up with a church member from your neighborhood.
And are you willing to give a fellow member a ride? Then call the church office and let us know. And, whether riders or drivers, please remember to tell us what service you prefer to attend.
Did You Know?
Our church insurance policy extends coverage to members driving on church business when the office knows in advance. Once again - call the church office for details.

###
Pastor, please brief the office staff on how to handle the insurance info. And I write ‘call the office’. Perhaps they will simply collect information and put it in the Cares and Concerns mailbox? This who-does-what was not discussed.

Before and After
________________
David,
I'm sending out a brief and simple email to my existing client base in the hope of getting some conversations started re: 08 business.
I don't want to belabor the thing. ...
Here's what I have:
-------------------------------
Dear
In the spirit of mutual prosperity,and planning for 2008,
I'd like to begin a conversation regarding your web site and other promotion plans for 2008.
As several clients have expressed
an interest in video on their web sites, we've added video production and editing capability.

We're delighted to have two video projects in the works right now.

Hoping we can help you accomplish
your promotion and information goals,
with the best value in photography,
videography, illustration and
graphic design for either print and web,
during 2008.
-----------------------------------------
Note to David - Any recommended prescriptions, therapies, etc. would be appreciated.

###

And here's what I sent him ....
AFTER
Dear
In the spirit of planning and mutual prosperity for 2008, I'd like to begin a conversation with you regarding your web site and other promotional plans.
As several clients have expressed an interest in video on their web sites, we've added video production and editing capability. We're delighted to have two video projects in the works right now.
I'm hoping we can help you accomplish your promotion and information goals, with the best value in photography, videography, illustration and graphic design for either print and web, during this new year.
Call me when you get a minute. I'd like to see you again. We'll have coffee.

###
Generally the client was pleased with this until the subject of Timing Your Offers came up. However, he didn't get an immediate response. Part of the equation has to do with the level of relationship with his existing client base.

Velocity Direct Marketing Brochure
Gil and Gail purchased an existing telemarketing firm and needed their first brochure for the trade show. We talked our way through the language and they handled the layout and printing.

TEXT
=====
(spread across inside panels - top left)
Your Custom Voice Connection ...
(bottom right)
... can bring you face to face.
Business-to-business teleprospecting is a necessary component of a successful marketing program. Velocity Direct Marketing is a team, seasoned in improving customer awareness, obtaining desired information and scheduling face-to face appointments with qualified potential customers. This process provides you with the opportunity to build strong customer relationships and increase your sales to their highest potential.

HOW IT WORKS
You set aside blocks of time and we fill those time slots. For instance, if you would like one or two appointments per morning, three days a week, or one appointment per afternoon five days a week, we aim to match your schedule. Then, we let you know with whom and when, the appointments are.
We get you through the gatekeepers. You get appointments with, and leads to the person who makes the sign buying decisions.
Qualified potential customers have an immediate or future need for your products and services. They buy what you provide. You meet with them and bring yourself to the table.

With your customized script, we conduct the call in the same manner as you would, if you were making the calls. The difference is, you're not spending time on the phone, up dating the calling list and keeping track of that number you wrote on a scrap piece of paper. When we can't reach a contact, we leave a message and call back later, or as often as needed. We do this everyday, during prime calling times, giving you the time to do what you do best!

WHO WE ARE
Velocity Direct Marketing is a seven year old team seasoned in setting appointments that you want to keep. We know the sign business.
We know your best prospects.
We know your best customers.
And we set your appointments.
We are particularly experienced with new franchisees and are a good fit for continued growth in established stores.

WHAT WE OFFER
• Teleprospecting Consultation and Development
• Script Preparation
• Call List Generation
• Target Market Identification
• Appointment Setting
• Direct Mail Follow-Up
• Seminar and Trade Show Follow-Up
• Database Integrity and Development
• Contact Verification
• Lead Tracking
• Customer Relationship Management
• Customer Satisfaction & Quality Control Surveys
• Price Comparison Shopping
###
Customer provided logo, stock photos, clip art and a panel of testimonials.

Project Voice (Brochure)

I met Jim Barrett at a Chamber of Commerce breakfast after I'd announced the availability of some pro bono time.
During his volunteer work with Easter Seals patients he had designed a new keyboard that would allow them to communicate much more easily. He needed sponsors, seed money, something to get the prototype out of design and into development. And in order to get that started he needed a brochure. And a logo. We sat down, talked it out and I helped him get started. I wrote the brochure, laid it out, designed a logo and gave him a PDF on disk. He was then free to print what he needed as he went along.
I gave a little time to someone who was giving a little time.
Here's the text I wrote for the initial brochure.

==============================
(brochure front panel)
Imagine this.
You think. You feel. You move.
And you are unable to speak.
(logo)

Inside 1st column
Project Voice

What we mean ....
Some people with disabilities are confined to wheelchairs. In some cases, cerebral palsy being one of them, the ability to speak is lost over time.

Steven Hawking, the celebrated physicist, is one of those people. The computer technology that helps him educate and communicate to us what he understands about the universe is not priced out of this world.

While talking books and talking boards can be cost prohibitive for personal ownership, inexpensive labs can be set up using recycled computers and a bit of ingenuity.
That we can do. There is much work ahead of us and much of it is beyond our particular expertise.
And so, we need your help!

(Inside 2nd column)
Project VoiceWhat you can do immediately ....
• Raise Your Voice! Help get the word out. Talk to people you know. Get the idea juice flowing.
• We need Financial Expertise and help administering donations.
• Underwriters: Help secure 501(c)(3) nonprofit status.
• General Legal, Patent & Copyright
• PR/Media assistance
• Videographer or photographer to document the conversion process.
• Tech writer to document the conversion process.
• We need you to help think of things we need that we don't yet
know we need.
We appeal to you, what else do we need?
(Inside 3rd column)
Project VoiceWhat we intend ....
We intend to make assistive communication technology more affordable.

We intend to show how to set up computer labs for those in group homes and day centers. We intend to create a hardware list of new and used equipment that is most and least desired. We intend to document the process of converting recycled computers so that others might follow our lead.

And, what else do we intend? If you're interested just call. We'll put you on an update list.Who knows what your rewards will be? Our rewards will be more and
better conversations with our friends. And we will all know we've made a difference in someone's life.The back panels consisted of a letter written by Mr. Barrett.
If you'd like to get in touch with Jim Barrett. let me know and I'll give him a ring.

TDL Electronics - brainstorm clears the skies

People don't think of calling Tom until they're broke down. As a matter of fact, that's his motto: "You break it. We fix it."
Whether repairing a high-school football scoreboard, the digital display at a gas station, the back-stop on an industrial paper cutter or a conveyor belt at the duck farm, Tom goes where the current calls him. Often times these days, problems that look mechanical in nature turn out to be electronic.
Tom, of TDL Electronics, was looking for a new client or two to round out his customer base. We defined the equipment he enjoyed working on (Bobst and MAN Roland) and the range he was willing to travel. We spelled out the possibility of a mailing list database, some simple mailings and possibly a blog, or other compilation, of his war stories. Testimonials, as it were.
And, over the course of our conversations, a new client appeared with some desperately needed maintenance on their industrial sewing machines. He was able to repair, upgrade the design with readily available parts and provide documentation. A winning relationship.
I didn't actually write any materials for him. The brainstorming was enough to clear the skies. Sometimes that's all it takes.
Call Tom Leitschuh, a trouble-shooters troubleshooter. Timely. Dependable. 'Lectronical.

414-322-1255

iWorship

In a late 2006 Worship meeting at my church we were looking for a way to call us all into an enhanced interactive worship around the Isaiah 6:1-8 theme in the new year of 2007. This copy was presented several times in the Sunday bulletins and monthly newsletter.

iWorship
The I in iWorship stands for you when you refer to your self. I come to worship. I bring my body, mind, and soul.

The I also stands for Interactive. I read responsively and in unison. I pray. I sing. I bring my offering.

The I also stands for Isaiah. This is the text from which we take our worship theme.

We, in the Worship committee, are looking for artists and artisans, crafters and creators, dancers, designers, decorators, mimes, musicians, multi-media geeks, needleworkers, painters, poets, sculptors and singers. We are looking for you to bring your joy into interactive worship.

You are invited to bring your personal expression to the congregation on any one of a number of themes. If you can do a skit on confession, we want you. If you can do a sculpture that represents our response to the call of God, we need you. If you can sing a song of adoration, if you can paint a picture of forgiveness, we beseech you. Come and enhance our worship service.

And for those of you that insist you are not creative you might want to do a reading at one service on one of these topics. Please call the office or speak with the pastor to put your offering on the list. Pick a theme that speaks to you. Call the office. We will fit you in.

For seven weeks beginning in January we will be exploring Isaiah 6:1-8. We invite you to respond with your creative, joyful, abundant self to the theme of the week.

###

Note: in late 2005, when I searched the net for instances of iWorship, I found few of any consequence. Since we were not attempting to create anything of substance. I went ahead with what I had. Now, of course, there are actual players. No slight intended.